HUMOUR PAGE

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE - Share your email humour with us mordenseniors@gmail.com

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
GOD HELP US ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

A Wee Scottish tale

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In
the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!'

‘THEY CALL IT BRIDGE’

A Cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’ They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’. Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’ Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’

mmm

We could learn a lot from crayons:
   Some are sharp, some are pretty,
   Some are dull, some have weird names,
   And all are different colors....but
   They all exist very nicely in the same box.

OBSERVATIONS ON GROWING OLDER

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"...."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired ...
you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Just mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.

He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),

and my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.

You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,

But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.

Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"

My car has no scratches...not even a dent.

Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,

But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today

Are so high that they take...your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.

That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,

And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,

I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.